So this is not going to be a pleasant, sunshiny, post - just a fair warning. For the last little while I have been going through a little internal struggle, which has completely co-existed with my normal routine. (It really is amazing how we can compartmentalize things.) Background, I tend to be far too sensitive, it really hurts me and I tend to obsess about criticisms. This is something that I am really trying to work on, but it takes a lot for me to pull myself out of thinking about negative stuff.
I should just come out and explain.... okay so I had an acquaintance (nobody that anyone would know) recently tell me I was basically "just a 30 year old mom who sat around all day and had all the time in the world to do anything I want and if he/she were me they would be able to do all sorts of wonderful things with their time, but they worked..." This seriously took my breath away and I've been thinking, obsessing more like, about this. I don't think there was a whole lot of malice (okay, maybe a tiny bit) in this person's intention, but it hurt. Deep down, I've been wondering if its true and this is what people actually think about me and I just have been naively thinking that my role as a stay at home mom is valued in society (on days other than mothers day). Do I really not do enough?? I try to make it to story time... I really do! I wanted to yell back to this person (though I couldn't imagine myself doing it) that am a person with real feelings and I DO work. I know its more like nursing Nina, taking kids to and from school/preschool/activities, making dinner, and cleaning when I get around to it, but it is work. I'm worn out at the days end from the time-outs, negotiations, homework checking, and baby - carrying etc. etc. Its emotional work too. I know what foods Nina eats and when to give her prunes for lunch.... I know if Ben has a snack after 4pm he will just pick at his dinner. I know how to encourage Sophie with her homework. I set the family schedule and know all the events for everyone coming up. And believe me, I wouldn't have it any other way, but this is just all the stuff that goes along with my job.
It hurts that ever since this confrontation I have been keeping a mental tally of the stuff I do as if I need to justify my existence. I don't know if anyone else out there has been told that they are a loser for staying at home, but with all my neurosis about not finishing my degree this just killed me. Just that another human being felt this way and made this judgement about me. Do I matter? I know that I matter to my kids, I really do know that and you would think that would have been enough for me to just let this whole thing slide off my back.... But sometimes I think I would be a more valued stay-at-home-mom, to society I guess, if I had left a high-paying corporate job to stay at home. In that way my value could be measured by what I had given up... I was just a bank teller and student before having my children. Of course with my first child I had no idea at the time that my pregnancy would be really hard and that I would have to go on bed rest. I had planned on finishing my degree, but life happens. One of my most favorite song lyrics and quotes is "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Its true. I know some day it will be my season to finish my degree, but its just not right now.
Just typing this is making me shake with... I don't know.... frustration... sadness?? I really am not writing this as a means of fishing for validation, but more because I just had to acknowledge that this really happened, it hurt me, and I need to just get over it. I really believe that no matter what decision we make as women and mothers, we should support each other and try not to judge... All our experiences are so different and I have yet to know a stay at home mom that sits around all day, watching soaps, eating bon bons - though they all truly deserve a day like that!! :) (Of course work-outside-the-home-moms deserve a day like that too!! We all deserve to dive into an chocolate induced stupor now and then!!)
There, so it was a bit of a rant and I'm really sorry. Thank you for reading and allowing me my vent. I think I feel better....
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15 comments:
I think you are going to get more of those comments due to where you are living. I got some of that when we lived in San Jose, CA. I have come to realize that often times "those" people are simply jealous that they aren't the ones at home. I have never done a harder job and I know my kids will appreciate it when they are older. Hang in there. We all go through defining times in our lives and this won't be the last one.
Wow Jenni, you got me all worked up just reading that post! There were so many thoughts I had go through my mind. First of all, you should just forget what they said, it won't help to dwell on it. But, you definately should realize your worth and importance. People having these thoughts and ideas is really just Satan's way of tearing apart the family, people just don't value the importance of mothers who stay at home. It doesn't matter what other accomplishments you have, you stay home b/c you love your children and want to teach them the right way. I would never trust someone else to continuously teach and influence my own children the way a mother can. Plus, all you need to do is give that person who told you that a week or so with your kids and they will quickly realize exactly what you do. Don't ever undestimate how hard you work. It may not seem important at times, but don't forget how truly important it is. Jenny, don't you let that person get you down....you're great and keep up the good work!!!!
That kind of comment just takes my breath away. I've wondered if people think it, to be honest, but I didn't ever imagine that someone would be tactless/misguided enough to actually SAY it.
I like to think about my value in terms of how hard it would be to replace me. I may not matter to lots of people, but I matter INTENSELY to two people in this world, and their whole world will fall apart if I die right now. (Of course I hope that Jeff will be able to put it back together at some point, but it would be really hard.)
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that this person has never spent day in, day out with young children. It must seem easy if you've never done it, or if you have a paid caregiver to do the majority of it.
I know you know all this intellectually. It's just processing it and moving past the dismissal of all you (we) do.
Oh, Jenni! You matter! What you do matters NOT just to Sophie, Benjamin, Nina and Adrian, but to society as well. I mean, I think a lot of the scarier problems of the modern world come down to mothers leaving their children to be raised by others. It sounds extreme, but I really believe that. You are an incredible mother and the world is blessed by every minute you spend caring for and nurturing your little ones.
It's funny, I was just about to do a post on this. I was listening to about 2 minutes of a radio program yesterday about how working moms are jealous of stay-at-home moms because they can do all the PTA stuff and see their kids more, and the stay-at-home moms are jealous because they don't get to have fulfilled lives.
WHAT????? I do NOT feel like I do not have a fulfilled life. True, most of what we do is changing diapers, waking up in the middle of the night to cover up a 3-year old (??) or take someone to the bathroom, cart people around in cars, and clean the kitchen 5 million times a day. But SOMEONE has got to do those jobs, and I want it to be me. It's just ridiculous to say that the people raising our next generation are not valuable to society. What with how much people pay for daycare and preschool, you'd think they understand that.
As for the education, my mom never finished college, and she has never really had a real job. But I think she is an extremely intelligent and valuable person not just to my family, but society too. It took her years to find how she fit in, and I think she continues to try to balance it all out, but what I've learned from her, is that it doesn't matter your background. It matters what you are doing now, and what the Lord tells you that your role is right now.
What a horribly tactless person! I'd have given them a piece of my mind.
One more quick comment to add to my novel above:
Once I had a working mom tell me that I was so lucky to be able to stay home. I just laughed. Luck? I worked hard to be able to do this. We live in a townhouse! We do without a lot of the stuff other people think are necessary! You planned this life out just as carefully as a career, and you should be proud of it. Also, I think you are extremely intelligent and I'm glad to gleen any knowledge I can from you.
The end.
Amen to what Mendy and Cami wrote. It's not just "luck" to be at home, and we wouldn't need all these extra government services and bureaucracy if we just had intact, vibrant families (which are most likely going to have a full-time dedicated person running them!).
Oooooh, where to start on my soapbox????? Here are my thoughts--Why, in the US, are breastfeeding rates low (please no one take this personally--i wasn't able to nurse my firstborn), why is everything SO expensive and why is the family disintegrating?? Because fewer women stay at home to raise their children and society assumes a dual income and women rush back at 6 weeks before nursing is truly established and pumping is a total pain...Being a SAHM is a sacrifice (even for those of us who want to stay home, it is still a sacrifice in many ways) and it is very easily the hardest job i have ever had. My next-door neighbor very obviously dislikes and disrespects SAHMs but she is definitely the one with major issues. It's really hard to let comments like that roll off especially when you are wired to be more sensitive (and embrace that about yourself! maybe try not to ruminate about crap like this but that's just who you are and your children no doubt benefit from your sensitivity!). Just know that someone who says stuff like that is the ignorant one.
I don't think I can add anything that hasn't already been said, but I will say I didn't bring my children into this world so someone else could raise them.
Your Father in Heaven values everything you do for your family, right down to the prunes!
I am sorry someone said such a mean thing to you.
People can be so mean sometimes. I have felt like people thought that of me in the past, but no one actually said it to me. I have a hard time understanding why people don't think it's important to be a stay at home mom. One of my classmates at the class I took soon after James and Thomas were born asked me why I wasn't going to get my masters or a "real job." I told her I was going to stay home with my babies. She wondered why I wasn't going to do daycare. I told her I'd rather be the one to raise my children. She said, "woah..I never thought of that. You're right, though...sending your kids to daycare for 9 hours a day is like letting someone else raise your child." Most of the world doesn't see motherhood as that important, especially a mom who stays home and cooks and cleans and changes diapers all day.
Yes, being a stay at home mom is often a monotonous, difficult job, but motherhood is the most important thing you can do, and worth much much more than anything you could do in the workforce.
I'm sorry that you've been having to worry about this. I know how it is to obsess over comments and criticism. I'm the same way. In fact, I've been obsessing about a phone call full of criticisms all week. So, I know how hard it is to shake it off. But, really, you should. A prophet (McKay?) said "No success can compensate for failure in the home." No job can compare to the work done in the home, and you are most certainly a wonderful mother who does a wonderful job taking care of her family.
I missed reading this when you first wrote it because I was frantically reading New Moon, which Cami passed on to me :)
I don't feel like there is anything left to say except that I am really sensitive too, and I listen to criticism over and over in my head way longer than is necessary. It's hard to know what to say to people who don't appriciate my job - the job I chose and the job that challenges me and stretches me more than any other job I can imagine myself doing. Yes, it's watching my own children. Yes, it's making dinner for people who don't always appriciate it and washing and cleaning and doing things I don't particulary enjoy for a good part of the day. But the rewards are worth the price I pay. How to you explain that to someone who actually gets a monetary reward for the work they do?
You are a fantastic mom and an amazing friend. Thanks for bringing up a tough topic.
Thank you all so much -- you have no idea how much I've been bolstered by your comments!! Thanks so much for being my supportive, treasured, blogging friends!!! :)
Jenni, I found you through Lynette's blog. I have only read a few of your posts, but had to comment on this! I totally understand your frustration on this! Just to add to the wonderful comments by the other girls, I have a quick story.
A while ago, my husband and I hosted a bbq with one of his work friends and his spouse and toddler. The husband and wife both work. I have a 2 year old and a 7-month old and stay home with them. Anyway, as the guys were getting the food off the grill, the wife said to me, "Oh, I just don't know how you do it!" I assumed she was referring to haveing 2 kids so close in age. Then she said, "The 1 1/2 hours I have with my daughter each day just about kill me." Granted, their little girl has an early bedtime and we all know how those couple of hours during the evening can be with a toddler, but seriously, 1 1/2 hours a day!? That's it? That's all the time you see your sweet little girl? That took my breath away and made me feel so sad for her to be missing out on her daughter's life. And it made me feel all the better for choosing to be home with my kids. It is the most important work we can do.
Take care!
Thanks Mary -- I've actually read a few of your posts too through Lynette's blog!! :) Wow, only 1 1/2 hrs, that is so sad...
Ok, so I'm way late (I found you thru Cami's blog, btw), but I wanted to add my two cents. I skimmed through most of the comments, hopefully I'm not repeating anything.
First, it's hard to not obsess--I have the same problem. Take a deep breath, let it go. It's also important not to stuff/store your emotions, so I'm glad to see you're getting them outside of yourself where you can see them.
Second, the person who made the comment is dead wrong. Raising a family is work. Trying to compare what you do now with what you could have done is an excercise in frustration (I do that all the time, that's how I know).
Third, I think you are very lucky. I see that you have what I want, and that you do it so well, and I wish I could have a nice husband and six kids and spend all day taking care of them. yes, it's hard, but you have made the choice to stay home and do this, and I for one admire all women who are brave enough to do that. Some women have to work because they need the income. Some work because they really just can't handle staying at home with their kids. And some of us work because we have nothing better to do. And it's a lot better than what we had to do 100 years ago--stay home and have our parents care for us for all our lives. YUCK!
:::hugs:::
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