Long Post About Something Unpleasant

So this is not going to be a pleasant, sunshiny, post - just a fair warning. For the last little while I have been going through a little internal struggle, which has completely co-existed with my normal routine. (It really is amazing how we can compartmentalize things.) Background, I tend to be far too sensitive, it really hurts me and I tend to obsess about criticisms. This is something that I am really trying to work on, but it takes a lot for me to pull myself out of thinking about negative stuff.

I should just come out and explain.... okay so I had an acquaintance (nobody that anyone would know) recently tell me I was basically "just a 30 year old mom who sat around all day and had all the time in the world to do anything I want and if he/she were me they would be able to do all sorts of wonderful things with their time, but they worked..." This seriously took my breath away and I've been thinking, obsessing more like, about this. I don't think there was a whole lot of malice (okay, maybe a tiny bit) in this person's intention, but it hurt. Deep down, I've been wondering if its true and this is what people actually think about me and I just have been naively thinking that my role as a stay at home mom is valued in society (on days other than mothers day). Do I really not do enough?? I try to make it to story time... I really do! I wanted to yell back to this person (though I couldn't imagine myself doing it) that am a person with real feelings and I DO work. I know its more like nursing Nina, taking kids to and from school/preschool/activities, making dinner, and cleaning when I get around to it, but it is work. I'm worn out at the days end from the time-outs, negotiations, homework checking, and baby - carrying etc. etc. Its emotional work too. I know what foods Nina eats and when to give her prunes for lunch.... I know if Ben has a snack after 4pm he will just pick at his dinner. I know how to encourage Sophie with her homework. I set the family schedule and know all the events for everyone coming up. And believe me, I wouldn't have it any other way, but this is just all the stuff that goes along with my job.

It hurts that ever since this confrontation I have been keeping a mental tally of the stuff I do as if I need to justify my existence. I don't know if anyone else out there has been told that they are a loser for staying at home, but with all my neurosis about not finishing my degree this just killed me. Just that another human being felt this way and made this judgement about me. Do I matter? I know that I matter to my kids, I really do know that and you would think that would have been enough for me to just let this whole thing slide off my back.... But sometimes I think I would be a more valued stay-at-home-mom, to society I guess, if I had left a high-paying corporate job to stay at home. In that way my value could be measured by what I had given up... I was just a bank teller and student before having my children. Of course with my first child I had no idea at the time that my pregnancy would be really hard and that I would have to go on bed rest. I had planned on finishing my degree, but life happens. One of my most favorite song lyrics and quotes is "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Its true. I know some day it will be my season to finish my degree, but its just not right now.

Just typing this is making me shake with... I don't know.... frustration... sadness?? I really am not writing this as a means of fishing for validation, but more because I just had to acknowledge that this really happened, it hurt me, and I need to just get over it. I really believe that no matter what decision we make as women and mothers, we should support each other and try not to judge... All our experiences are so different and I have yet to know a stay at home mom that sits around all day, watching soaps, eating bon bons - though they all truly deserve a day like that!! :) (Of course work-outside-the-home-moms deserve a day like that too!! We all deserve to dive into an chocolate induced stupor now and then!!)

There, so it was a bit of a rant and I'm really sorry. Thank you for reading and allowing me my vent. I think I feel better....

Potter 7

It's been over a week...let's do the dance of joy again!! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is going to be released on July 21st!!! Yay!! I've been growing more and more irritated not knowing when it was coming out and now I've forgiven J. K. Rowling and just look forward to this last installment. Adrian and I have differing opinions about possible endings and especially good old Snape. We should post our predictions and see who's closer to the book...that would be fun. Well, I'm just so excited. Now if Stephanie Meyers would just hurry up with that Midnight Sun book I could have complete literary relief!(Aren't these little guys cute! I especially love Neville!)

10 Things about Sophie

Do you remember being spotlighted at school?? I was such a ham as a child and just loved attention so I ate up any kind of spotlight/show-and-tell kind of thing. Well, it's Sophie's turn to be on the spotlight board in her class at school. She got to pick out some things that represent her to share with her class. Here's what she picked along with the captions that she wrote to go underneath each one:

• A picture of our family. "This is my family."
• A clip -art picture of a chapel. "I like going to church."
• A picture of The Worst Witch DVD. "My favorite movie is The Worst Witch."
• An empty Toblerone wraper. "I like Toblerone chocolate."
• A picture of the cover of Vidia and the Fairy Crown. "My favorite book is Vidia and the Fairy Crown."
• A picture of a hot dog. "My favorite food is hot dogs."
• A picture of Sophie playing the piano. "I like to play the piano."
• A picture of Sophie swimming in a lake with her cousin. "My favorite vacation was going to Minnesota. I swam in a lake."
• A few Lego pieces. "I like to play with Legos."
• A picture of Sophie with her soccer team. "I like to play soccer."

It was tons of fun putting this bag of items together with Sophie to take to school. She is so excited to be spotlighted! Honestly, I just can't gush enough about my amazing Sophie, but she truly is a sweet, thoughtful, special daughter.

Our Little Winter Elf

I just couldn't resist posting a pic of Nina in her winter gear!!! :)

Preschool Fever

Okay, I never thought I would be party to this type of thing, but I experienced the second hand stress of getting your child into a good preschool. I always thought this was a more NY City sort of thing, but while waiting to register Ben for preschool this fall (can you believe they register for Sept in Jan??!) another mother burst into tears because her daughter couldn't get into the class she hoped for. It was so unreal to me that I didn't know what to say to this woman. The room that we were waiting in was really small and she was sitting right next to me. It was so uncomfortable and I actually felt really bad for her because she started talking about how awful her life was. Apparently she had to start working again, her schedule was crazy, and her daughter was still taking naps so she didn't want to do an afternoon class. She was really distraught, actually saying "my life is falling apart". Then as she was talking, another mother started tearing up and said she really wanted her child to be in the class that had just filled up too. Then when my number was called (you take a number when you get in line to register) and I went in the actual registration room, there was a woman in there arguing with the preschool staff about why her little boy couldn't get into the closed class. It was surreal. The class I wanted to get Ben into still had lots of spots so I had no problem, but apparently this other class, which is a pre-k sort of class for older preschoolers, is just da bomb!! It was a crazy experience and I still don't quite know what to make of it....

Our Lovely New Oven (insert choirs of angels singing)

Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy..... !! I'm so happy that I am doing the Balki happy dance from Perfect Strangers (do you remember that?!)! We got a new oven and it was installed this morning. I have been coping with my 15+ year-old, 80's black and cream colored, rusty elements, fantastically uneven baking, oven/range since we moved into our house. Now I have a new flat top one!

It was getting to the point where we were having our smoke detector going off weekly - the stove elements had a rusty smoking issue that was weird. Well and also from boil overs when ever Adrian cooked (sorry honey, but its true). I hate those drip pans - they never seem to get all the way clean. So anyways we're calling it Adrian's Valentines present! Anything that makes me want to cook and which in turn keeps Adrian out of the kitchen makes him happy!

I just keep going into the kitchen to look at it. Tonight, I'm either going to make chicken noodle soup with it or I'm going to bake baby porcupines and potatoes in it. I almost don't want to sully its pristine condition, but then I can't wait at the same time... Happy Happy Joy Joy.....

Our old oven's last meal... I'm sure its in a better place now... (Those weird looking things are chicken cordon bleus.)

Don't worry... this is not a Da Vinci Code blog

I'm pretty excited... On the news tonight they talked about how an amateur art historian from Florence might have uncovered the identity and burial place of "Mona Lisa". I looked it up in Google news and here is a link to an article on it (from Deseret News if you can believe it!). Its neat... That doesn't mean that he has really solved it, but I think its always fun when art history is in the news. I think the last big thing must have been when The Scream was stolen. No wait, the BIGGEST art history news was when Prince William chose it for his major at St. Andrews (we won't count that he later changed his major to geography)!! :)